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Things to Watch Out For In Yourself: Parenting Without Transmitting Trauma (Part 1)

Updated: Oct 4

Mini Series - Parenting Without Transmitting Trauma

Parenting Without Transmitting Trauma is a mini series where we’ll take a look at signs of intergenerational trauma, forgiving oneself for past behaviours, and how to parent without transmitting trauma. This mini series aims to support and inform parents on their healing journey, and facilitate healthier parenting, so that children and young adults today benefit far into their adulthood. 


Things to Watch Out For In Yourself: Parenting Without Transmitting Trauma (Part 1)


Intergenerational trauma can manifest in various ways, and recognizing its signs in yourself as a parent is a crucial step toward addressing and healing these patterns. Here are some signs that you might be experiencing or passing on intergenerational trauma:


Patterns of Behaviour: You may notice repeating patterns in how you interact with your children that mirror the ways you were treated by your parents or caregivers. For example, if you were raised with strict discipline, you might find yourself being overly harsh or controlling with your children.


Emotional Responses: Intense emotional reactions or difficulties managing emotions in parenting situations can be a sign. For instance, you might find yourself reacting with disproportionate anger or anxiety to minor issues, reflecting unresolved trauma from your own childhood.


Difficulty with Attachment: Struggles with forming healthy emotional connections with your children can indicate intergenerational trauma. This might look like having trouble showing affection, difficulty trusting others, or feeling emotionally distant from your children.


Fear of Repeating Mistakes: An excessive fear of repeating the mistakes of your own parents can lead to overcompensating behaviours in your parenting. This can create an atmosphere of pressure or unrealistic expectations. 

Tip: Keep it simple! Remain grounded, avoid making a mountain out of a molehill during interactions with your children as this transmits shame.  


Parenting Stress: Feeling overwhelmed by the demands of parenting and finding it hard to cope with stress may be linked to unresolved trauma. This can affect your ability to provide consistent and nurturing care.


Generational Stories and Beliefs: Holding onto or perpetuating negative beliefs or stories about family history can be a sign. For example, if you frequently talk about family dysfunction or hardships in a way that affects your parenting, it might be impacting your relationship with your children.


Self-Sabotage: Engaging in behaviours that undermine your own parenting efforts or goals, such as procrastination or self-criticism, might reflect internalised trauma and beliefs from past generations. Your behaviour shows your inner hurting child rather than you as a parent.

Note to self: Show kindness and forgiveness to yourself and others, and maintain clear boundaries. This will pass on to your children too. 


Difficulty with Boundaries: Struggles with setting healthy boundaries for yourself or your children can be indicative of trauma. This might involve either overstepping boundaries or having difficulties maintaining them.


Mental Health Struggles: Persistent mental health challenges, such as depression, anxiety, or substance abuse, that impact your parenting can be linked to intergenerational trauma. These issues can affect your ability to provide a stable and supportive environment for your children. 

Note to Self: Use reflection to check in with yourself - Am I doing the right thing? Can I do this on my own? When do I seek professional support? Nobody has all of the answers all of the time. 


Chronic Conflict: Frequent conflicts or unresolved tensions in family relationships might suggest inherited patterns of communication or conflict resolution that need to be addressed.

Tips: Reduce conflict by using gentle but firm boundaries, forgiving yourself, forgiving your child. 

Note to self: We are a work in progress. 


If you recognise any of these signs in yourself, it can be helpful to seek support from a therapist, counsellor or group support who specialise in trauma and family dynamics. Group support can be super helpful! Working through these issues can lead to healthier patterns and relationships for you and your children.


@Ease Creative Integrative Therapies with Val Phillips 2024


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