Exploring Attachment Styles: Anxious-Avoidant Attachment (Part 3)

Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our approach to relationships throughout life. One attachment style that can pose challenges is the anxious-avoidant attachment, which is characterised by a deep-seated fear of connection alongside a strong desire for independence. In this blog, we will explore what anxious-avoidant attachment entails, provide real-life examples, and suggest actionable steps to move towards a more secure attachment style.

What is Anxious-Avoidant Attachment?

An anxious-avoidant attachment style is marked by discomfort with emotional closeness, difficulty trusting others, and a tendency to suppress emotions. People with this attachment style may crave connection but struggle to let others in due to a fear of vulnerability. They often maintain a guarded demeanour, prioritising self-reliance over deep emotional bonds, which can lead to difficulties in sustaining close relationships.

Examples of Anxious-Avoidant Attachment in Action

1. Romantic Relationships: Daniel enjoys spending time with his partner, but when emotional conversations arise, he often shuts down or withdraws. If his partner expresses a need for deeper intimacy, he might feel suffocated and create distance by focusing on work or hobbies. While he cares deeply, he struggles to express his emotions, fearing dependency.

2. Friendships: Olivia has a close group of friends, but she rarely shares personal struggles. When a friend offers support, she downplays her feelings and insists that she can handle things alone. While she really does value her friendships, her reluctance to be vulnerable prevents deeper emotional connections from forming. 

How to Cultivate a More Secure Attachment Style

If you identify with anxious-avoidant attachment, there are steps you can take to develop a healthier approach to relationships:

1. Acknowledge Your Fears: Recognise that avoiding emotional intimacy is a defence mechanism. Understanding the root of your fear can help you gradually open up to deeper connections.

2. Practice Emotional Expression: Start by identifying and naming your emotions, even if you do not immediately share them with others. Journaling or therapy can be useful tools to explore your feelings in a safe space.

3. Challenge Avoidant Tendencies: When you notice yourself pulling away from someone emotionally, pause and assess why. Instead of withdrawing, try to communicate your need for space without shutting others out completely.

4. Develop Trust in Relationships: Allow yourself to rely on others in small ways. Trust is built gradually, so practice letting people in by sharing small personal experiences or thoughts.

5. Seek Supportive Environments: Surround yourself with individuals who respect your need for independence while encouraging emotional growth. Professional guidance, such as therapy, can provide specific personal strategies to work through avoidant tendencies.

Final Thoughts

Anxious-avoidant attachment can make relationships feel complicated and emotionally distant, but positive change is absolutely possible due to the brains ability to adapt and grow. By increasing self-awareness, practising emotional openness, and fostering trust in relationships, you can develop a more secure attachment style. With patience and commitment, you can create meaningful and lasting connections while maintaining a healthy sense of independence.

@Ease Creative  Integrative Therapies with Val Phillips 2025