Exploring Attachment Styles: Disorganised Attachment

Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our approach to relationships throughout life. One of the most complex and challenging attachment styles is disorganised attachment, which involves conflicting behaviours and emotions in relationships. In this blog, we will explore what disorganised attachment entails, provide real-life examples, and suggest actionable steps to move towards a more secure attachment style.

What is Disorganised Attachment?

A disorganised attachment style is characterised by a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviours. People with this attachment style often experience both a deep desire for closeness and an intense fear of intimacy. This internal conflict can lead to unpredictable or contradictory behaviours in relationships, making it difficult to establish stability and trust. Disorganised attachment is often linked to early experiences of trauma, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving.

Examples of Disorganised Attachment in Action

1. Romantic Relationships: Josh deeply craves affection from his partner, Mia, but the moment he feels emotionally close, he becomes overwhelmed by fear and pulls away. He may alternate between seeking reassurance and pushing Mia away, creating confusion and tension in the relationship.

2. Friendships: Em enjoys spending time with her friends but struggles to trust their intentions. At times, she is overly affectionate and engaged, but in moments of insecurity, she withdraws or even becomes distant. Her friends find it difficult to predict her reactions, which strains the relationship.

How to Cultivate a More Secure Attachment Style

If you identify with disorganised attachment, there are steps you can take to develop healthier relationship patterns:

1. Recognise and Understand Your Patterns: Self-awareness is key to change. Reflect on past relationship behaviours and identify moments where you have felt both drawn to and fearful of emotional closeness.

2. Work on Emotional Regulation: Learn techniques to manage overwhelming emotions, such as mindfulness, deep breathing, or therapy. Developing emotional stability can help reduce unpredictable relationship behaviours.

3. Practice Trust and Consistency: Make an effort to build and maintain stable relationships. Establishing trust through consistent actions can gradually reduce fears of abandonment and intimacy.

4. Challenge Negative Core Beliefs: People with disorganised attachment may hold deep-seated fears about relationships being unsafe. Challenging these beliefs and replacing them with healthier perspectives can aid personal growth.

5. Seek Professional Support: Therapy, particularly trauma-informed or attachment-based therapy, can be highly beneficial for those with disorganised attachment. A professional can help you navigate fears of intimacy and develop more secure relationship habits.

Final Thoughts

Disorganised attachment can create emotional turmoil in relationships, but with awareness and effort, it is possible to move towards a more secure attachment style. By recognising patterns, improving emotional regulation, and fostering trust, you can build more stable and fulfilling connections. Healing is a journey, but with the right support and commitment, stronger, healthier relationships are within reach.

@Ease Creative Integrative Therapies with Val Phillips 2025