Mending Attachment Styles

Friendships, family dynamics and romantic partnerships can be enriching relationships. Yet for many, they can also stir up deep insecurities. The root of this often lies in our attachment styles, as we’ve learned in our recent mini-series here on the @Ease blog. These attachment styles are shaped early in life, but play out repeatedly in adulthood. While secure attachment fosters trust and mutual respect, insecure attachment styles can strain even the best relationships.

We're going to take a look at how these patterns show up, and spend time understanding how they can be mended.

Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: Craving Connection, Fearing Rejection

Scenario: Ben and Liam have been close friends for years, but Ben often feels uncertain about their bond. One evening, Ben sees photos on social media of Liam out for dinner with mutual friends, without him. Flooded with anxiety, Ben wonders, “Why wasn’t I invited? Is Liam upset with me?” He sends several texts seeking reassurance. Though Liam responds kindly, Ben remains uneasy and the next day pulls away, hoping Liam will reach out to prove their friendship still matters. This back-and-forth is common in anxious-ambivalent attachment: a deep longing for closeness coupled with fear of abandonment.

Mending Tips:

• Name your triggers: Recognise moments when insecurity flares (such as feeling left out) and pause before reacting.

• Challenge catastrophic thinking: Ask yourself, “What other explanations might there be?” rather than assuming rejection.

• Practise self-soothing: Learn to calm your anxiety without relying solely on others for reassurance.

• Communicate calmly and directly: Rather than sending a flurry of texts, express your feelings: “I felt a bit left out yesterday. I know it may not have been intentional, but I wanted to be honest.”

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: Valuing Closeness But Struggling with Intimacy

Avoidant individuals tend to pull away when relationships feel too emotionally demanding. They may downplay their need for closeness or feel suffocated by emotional expression.

Example: Jamie’s best mate tells him they feel hurt that he never opens up emotionally. Jamie shrugs it off and replies, “It’s not that deep.” But later, he feels guilty for shutting them down—yet doesn’t know how to fix it.

Mending Tips:

• Acknowledge vulnerability isn’t weakness: Sharing your thoughts doesn’t mean giving up your independence.

• Take small steps: Start by opening up about low-stakes topics or sharing your thoughts in writing if that feels safer.

• Don’t disappear during conflict: Instead of ghosting or avoiding conversations, try, “I need a bit of time to think, but I want to talk about this soon.”

• Reframe intimacy as connection, not entrapment: True closeness doesn’t mean losing yourself—it means being known and accepted.

Disorganised Attachment: The Push-Pull of Wanting and Fearing Closeness

Disorganised attachment often stems from early experiences of trauma or inconsistency. It’s marked by a confusing mix of approach and avoidance; longing for connection but distrusting it when it’s offered.

Example: Priya gets close with new friends quickly, oversharing and becoming deeply attached. But when one of them doesn’t respond to a message for a day, she lashes out or abruptly cuts them off, fearing she’s about to be hurt.

Mending Tips:

• Seek support for past trauma: Therapy can help unpack old wounds that are replaying in present relationships.

• Build awareness of patterns: Notice when you’re swinging between extremes (clinging vs cutting off).

• Practise regulation techniques: Deep breathing, journaling, and grounding exercises can help settle the nervous system during emotional spikes.

• Build slow, steady connections: Aim for friendships that develop gradually and feel safe over time.

Final Thoughts

Building secure connections is a journey, not necessarily a destination. No one has a perfect attachment style, and we all carry emotional baggage into our relationships with others. By understanding our patterns, communicating openly, and working on self-regulation, we can build healthier and more fulfilling connections. Whether you identify with Ben’s anxiety, Jamie’s distance, or Priya’s chaos, remember that healing is possible, and it begins with desiring change, self-honesty that becomes self-awareness, and a commitment and willingness to grow.

@Ease Creative Integrative Therapies and Supervision with Val Phillips 2025