Exploring Attachment Styles: Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment (Part 2)

Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our approach to relationships throughout life. In our last post, we looked at secure attachment. One of the more challenging attachment styles is the anxious-ambivalent attachment, which can lead to insecurity, emotional highs and lows, creating drama, and fear of abandonment. In this blog, we will explore what anxious-ambivalent attachment entails, provide real-life examples, and suggest actionable steps to move towards a more secure attachment style.

What is Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment?

An anxious-ambivalent attachment style is characterised by heightened sensitivity to rejection, pushing people away whilst deep down seeking reassurance (which manifests as creating drama), and difficulty trusting that relationships are secure. People with this attachment style often worry about their partner’s feelings towards them and may feel overwhelmed by a fear of abandonment. Their emotions can fluctuate between deep affection and deep anxiety, leading to a cycle of seeking closeness but fearing closeness (due to a fear of rejection).

Examples of Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment in Action

1. Romantic Relationships: Sophie and Tom have been in a long term committed relationship. Sophie constantly worries that Tom is losing interest in her. When Tom takes longer than usual to respond to a text, Sophie becomes anxious and assumes the worst. She seeks reassurance by spamming Tom with text messages. This creates drama and tension, leading to both becoming overwhelmed and cross with each other. Despite Tom’s love and best efforts to reassure Sophie, her need for validation will continue. 

2. Friendships: Ben and Liam have been close friends for years. Ben often feels uncertain about their bond. One evening, Ben sees photos on social media of Liam out for dinner with a group of mutual friends—without him. Instantly, Ben’s mind races: Why wasn’t I invited? Is Liam losing interest in our friendship? Overwhelmed with insecurity, Ben texts Liam multiple times, asking if he’s upset with him. When Liam reassures him that it was a last-minute plan and he hadn’t meant to exclude him, Ben still feels uneasy. The next day, he avoids Liam entirely, hoping Liam will notice and prove that their friendship still matters.

   
   

How to Cultivate a More Secure Attachment Style

If you recognise signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment in yourself, there are steps you can take to develop a healthier approach to relationships:

1. Develop Self-Awareness: Identify patterns in your relationships where anxiety and fear of abandonment arise. Understanding these triggers can help you respond more rationally rather than emotionally.

2. Strengthen Self-Esteem: Work on building self-worth independently of external validation. Engage in activities that bring you joy and personal fulfilment rather than relying solely on reassurance from others.

3. Practice Healthy Communication: Express your needs and fears openly but without excessive dependency. Learning to communicate effectively can reduce the tendency to seek constant reassurance.

4. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Instead of assuming the worst in relationships, challenge irrational fears with evidence. Remind yourself of moments when people have shown consistency and care.

5. Seek Supportive Relationships: Surround yourself with individuals who provide stability and reinforce healthy relationship dynamics. 

Final Thoughts

Anxious-ambivalent attachment can make relationships feel overwhelming and unpredictable, but change is possible. By developing self-awareness, improving emotional regulation, and fostering healthier communication patterns, you can move towards a more secure attachment style. Therapy or support groups can also be beneficial in reshaping attachment patterns. With time and effort, you can cultivate trust and confidence in your relationships, leading to deeper and more fulfilling connections.

@Ease Creative Integrative Therapies with Val Phillips 2025